Dear Ken,
I was kinda hesitant to post this, but I wrote this back on March 30th and published in another place, but I wanted to bring this to you to let you read it. I went through and reread it ... found a few errors - so what? It'll definitely show you how human I be :).
"2018"
I ain't even gonna lie - I'm lost. Traveling through this rough path without direction is scary. When the songwriter sung "my back is against the wall," I echo the sentiments. Head tilted to the sky ... tears streaming down my face ... now, both hands on my knees and head hung down. I think, "God, which way is right?" Afraid to go in either direction because my mind is heavy ... filled with anguish and turmoil and pain and misery and doubt and confusion. Am I delusional? Maybe so. Maybe not. This can't always be this way cause it wasn't always this way. There was a period in time when I could look up to the Father and trust Him to direct my way. But now, all I see is a blur when I seek guidance. All I can hear is noise when I ask for help. All I can feel is fierce winds beating against my body when I take one and then another step. See when I place myself in these situations, I don't understand. I seek to find. And ask to understand and challenge to grow and knock to be answered and speak to be heard and reason to make sense and walk after righteousness to live again ... be a friend to have friends. Friends. Friends ... yeah friends. Or how about friends. Who has friends? We all have friends, right? Friends who we can go to for advice or to listen or to ask questions to or to cry with and share memories with and talk to into the wee hours of the night just because their company is peaceful. But what do I do when I feel like everyone around me is moving ahead and I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because of unfortunate circumstances? What do I do when it feels like I've been deserted and hurt by the ones who I thought I could trust? What do I do when it feels like the world is weighing heavy on my shoulders? Some say to tie a knot at the end of my rope and hold on to what little I can. But then I turn and see fathers molesting daughters and sons being raped by their uncles they thought they could trust. Then we are forced to put our faith in a failing education system that doesn't give a damn about if we make it or not. And then we look to the church for guidance only to discover that in some instances it's just a social club or a body of believers who are so judgmental that walking through the left door is sinful. God forbid that we continue judging one another and placing ourselves higher or looking or nose down on one another. Reach back and help her get up. Yeah, you may have warned her that he was no good. So what she found herself in a domestic violence situation or strung out on drugs. Help her get some help. Yeah, maybe he is saggin his pants. But have you stopped to mentor or encourage or find out the root of why he's crying out for attention. Some people make me so sick with the hypocrisy and the folly. I'm ill to my stomach because of the republicans and their obvious racist attacks against a president who believes in one fucking nation under buddah or mohhamad or allah or confucious or god. Believe in whoever the hell you want to believe in. Go to mass. Go to the kingdom hall. Go to the synagogue. Go to the temple. Go to church. Be independent. Do you. I'm so sick and tired of you telling me that I'm wrong because I'm doubtful or worry. Or that I'm abnormal because I believe on sundays when the sermon feels good and then have a hard time trusting on Tuesday through Friday. See mondays and saturdays are okay because I either just came down from a high or anticipating another high. Church has been minimized to a big pep rally, money sucking, pastor pimping organization. Maybe I'm hurt or just simply don't care anymore. Care anymore. Care anymore. Yep. That's how it feels when the little three-year old girl is walking the street barefoot because her mother is strung out on dope - with the needle still sitting in her vein - trying to find food ... can you see her with the strap of the sandle in her mouth - hopeless. We turn and walk away and get out big mansion on the other side of town - afraid to confront the real issues in our backyard. Our masters or doctorate or law degrees start to define us. We forget that we are all like sheep. Or does that verse still exist? The four year old rocking himself to sleep because he witness three and four men walking in and out of the house because the mom gotta do what she gotta do to make a living. And then he goes to school - sleeping in class and then eventually becomes a problem because he's gotten to the sixth grade and can't read. Instead of the school identifying his problem in kindergarten, then label him as "special ed" by the eighth grade. Too embarrassed by his label, he resorts to skipping school and selling drugs because he fits in ... initiated into a gang because he's finally accepted. It's too late now because he has true family, or so he thinks, that loves him. Shit, he just broke into your house the other day. And just last week, he robbed the grocery store and held one of the cashier workers at gun point. His picture is now blasted all across the news because we didn't catch him when he was 4. Standing in front of the judge, she reads off all the charges and no room for rehabilitation because you know what the systems do to those who they are afraid to give help to. Damn, just how fucked up is our judicial system and our penal codes and our governmental agencies. Give me my food stamp card. I want my health care card. Give me WIC ... wait, those are the entitlement programs that the wealthy are seeking to dissolve. Somebody gotta help me. I don't want to work. I just wanna sit at home until the employment benefits run out and then rely on uncle sam to foot the bill. I need the section 8 and then HUD housing. Man, someday our society will wake up and stare the problems in the face. I'm going to get me something to eat.
#imjustsaying
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