... a day of reflection.
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17 September 2011
thinking
it's those small things that we take for granted: job, health care, good health, food, water, shelter, access to obtain a quality education, freedom to worship/speak, family and the list goes on.
... a day of reflection.
... a day of reflection.
16 September 2011
keep fighting
it hit me.
at that moment, i began to lay the framework, but reality set in. i got discouraged and began to doubt the vision. but i promise you - i was only doing everything that i saw. for some time, i struggled and cried and wondered how i would make it happen. a part of me wanted to let someone know ... anyone that would listen. however, the still small voice inside of me wouldn't let me speak of it. i'm telling you - it was a fight ... many late nights, tears of uncertainty, challenging the purpose, how it would be received and whether it would make a difference. i didn't know what to do because everything was working against me.
i wanted to take the easiest way out and give up on what i saw.
... but that extra push came right in time! i was sitting in my hotel room listening to a podcast. i can only remember a few words that he uttered, "keep fighting." so simple. yea, i know. but that was all i needed to hear at that moment in time. often, we try to come up with an elaborate speech and fail to get the point across.
so as i look at this new challenge that has presented itself before me on this windy friday, all i can revert back to is those two simple words: keep fighting.
at that moment, i began to lay the framework, but reality set in. i got discouraged and began to doubt the vision. but i promise you - i was only doing everything that i saw. for some time, i struggled and cried and wondered how i would make it happen. a part of me wanted to let someone know ... anyone that would listen. however, the still small voice inside of me wouldn't let me speak of it. i'm telling you - it was a fight ... many late nights, tears of uncertainty, challenging the purpose, how it would be received and whether it would make a difference. i didn't know what to do because everything was working against me.
i wanted to take the easiest way out and give up on what i saw.
... but that extra push came right in time! i was sitting in my hotel room listening to a podcast. i can only remember a few words that he uttered, "keep fighting." so simple. yea, i know. but that was all i needed to hear at that moment in time. often, we try to come up with an elaborate speech and fail to get the point across.
so as i look at this new challenge that has presented itself before me on this windy friday, all i can revert back to is those two simple words: keep fighting.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
15 September 2011
dear God
i am so conflicted right now. my life is a direct contradiction, and i feel so convicted. please God, arrest my desires and release your unfailing strength. when my will is to say yes, give me that courage to boldy walk away. i know what's right, but i often find myself doing otherwise. give me the spirit to chase after u - even when it's unpopular. allow my personal conversations with you reflect my outter living. help me to deny my selfish ways and grow closer to you. this walk is not easy, and i find myself being pulled further away from you. God, i realize that i need you. amen.
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08 September 2011
rough week
this week has been one of a kind.
i received a call from my mom letting me know that my cousin was found at the bottom of the pool in a drowning death. then, i spent nearly 2 days in the E-R with breathing issues and tosilitis. whew! can this week be over already?!
this sickness has really taken a toll. for the most part, i've been confined to one area, drentched in sweat and barely able to speak. this is something that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy ... talking about a bad feeling!
i feel really bad that i haven't been able to spend time with my family during this loss, but it is amazing to listen to how everyone has pulled together to get through this as one. that's why i love my family!!
i received a call from my mom letting me know that my cousin was found at the bottom of the pool in a drowning death. then, i spent nearly 2 days in the E-R with breathing issues and tosilitis. whew! can this week be over already?!
this sickness has really taken a toll. for the most part, i've been confined to one area, drentched in sweat and barely able to speak. this is something that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy ... talking about a bad feeling!
i feel really bad that i haven't been able to spend time with my family during this loss, but it is amazing to listen to how everyone has pulled together to get through this as one. that's why i love my family!!
01 September 2011
world's vision
have you ever stopped to compare your life to someone else's? perhaps you realize that you are not as popular on the social scene as the next, or does not make as much money as another. what about being stuck in a dead-end job and the person next to you appears to be moving seamlessly forward in their career? or the best friend who has been in a promising relationship and the final stage is for him to ask her father for her hand in marriage -- all the while you cannot even get asked on a date! no, what about having older brothers who have children and you battle an inner demon of being gay and your parents constantly harass you about grandchildren?
life has a weird way of reminding us of how human and often un-human we are. wrestling with the very idea that we are different but yet equal is quite contradictory in itself. nonetheless, we push forward throughout life and embody many characters of who we are. on the one hand, display window #1 depicts that all is well. then, with those who we are comfortable with, we share our true hurts, cares and worries. because of course we were raised that "what goes on in this house stays". it is no one's business of what experiences that might present themselves. we were taught to be a man and not cry. afterall, it is a man's law violation to cry or have emotions -- all the while, if those tears are not shed, the steam builds and could possible create a stronger rage once it is released. troubling, huh?
next, there is the moral barometer that society has established that some expects us to live by. but in all honestly, it is often easier and convenient to live without those established norms. yep, life is f'n awkward! that outer appearance often does not mirror how one feels on the inside. throughout different stages in life, you were taught to embody the personality of a king -- although you have, and continue, to deal with insecurities, financial hardships, depressions, past molestations, let downs, low self-esteem and even hidden addictions. then to only be presented with a book of rules that was translated by a man that tells us what we should strive towards. the book that contradicts itself. on sundays, it appears to be one the best books ever written, but by monday when confronted by challenges - everything that was taught from the previous day becomes mute. the sentiments of our hearts feel that what sounded grand becomes too unobtainable.
... only to discover that you did not develop into this creature overnight. it started in childhood. whether it was growing up and participating in a sport's league that your parents signed you up for that you didn't want to be a part of to being dropped off at recital - knowing good and well that you had no interest in the arts.
so is life.
what i have discovered that it is perfectly okay to be at a point of leading a life filled with many oxymorons. this allow others to recognize that we all have those things that we would rather not address. which often correlates to that transparent lifestyle where we are not afraid to ask for help ... that pride-removed character that removes the embarrassments of admitting those shortcomings, mistakes, weaknesses or mishaps.
i long for a generation that allows everyone the opportunity to place their very life on a stage where we are all free from judgment. what a world that would be?!
life has a weird way of reminding us of how human and often un-human we are. wrestling with the very idea that we are different but yet equal is quite contradictory in itself. nonetheless, we push forward throughout life and embody many characters of who we are. on the one hand, display window #1 depicts that all is well. then, with those who we are comfortable with, we share our true hurts, cares and worries. because of course we were raised that "what goes on in this house stays". it is no one's business of what experiences that might present themselves. we were taught to be a man and not cry. afterall, it is a man's law violation to cry or have emotions -- all the while, if those tears are not shed, the steam builds and could possible create a stronger rage once it is released. troubling, huh?
next, there is the moral barometer that society has established that some expects us to live by. but in all honestly, it is often easier and convenient to live without those established norms. yep, life is f'n awkward! that outer appearance often does not mirror how one feels on the inside. throughout different stages in life, you were taught to embody the personality of a king -- although you have, and continue, to deal with insecurities, financial hardships, depressions, past molestations, let downs, low self-esteem and even hidden addictions. then to only be presented with a book of rules that was translated by a man that tells us what we should strive towards. the book that contradicts itself. on sundays, it appears to be one the best books ever written, but by monday when confronted by challenges - everything that was taught from the previous day becomes mute. the sentiments of our hearts feel that what sounded grand becomes too unobtainable.
... only to discover that you did not develop into this creature overnight. it started in childhood. whether it was growing up and participating in a sport's league that your parents signed you up for that you didn't want to be a part of to being dropped off at recital - knowing good and well that you had no interest in the arts.
so is life.
what i have discovered that it is perfectly okay to be at a point of leading a life filled with many oxymorons. this allow others to recognize that we all have those things that we would rather not address. which often correlates to that transparent lifestyle where we are not afraid to ask for help ... that pride-removed character that removes the embarrassments of admitting those shortcomings, mistakes, weaknesses or mishaps.
i long for a generation that allows everyone the opportunity to place their very life on a stage where we are all free from judgment. what a world that would be?!
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