2018 (a poem i wrote 2.5 months ago)

Dear Ken,

I was kinda hesitant to post this, but I wrote this back on March 30th and published in another place, but I wanted to bring this to you to let you read it. I went through and reread it ... found a few errors - so what? It'll definitely show you how human I be :).

"2018"

I ain't even gonna lie - I'm lost. Traveling through this rough path without direction is scary. When the songwriter sung "my back is against the wall," I echo the sentiments. Head tilted to the sky ... tears streaming down my face ... now, both hands on my knees and head hung down. I think, "God, which way is right?" Afraid to go in either direction because my mind is heavy ... filled with anguish and turmoil and pain and misery and doubt and confusion. Am I delusional? Maybe so. Maybe not. This can't always be this way cause it wasn't always this way. There was a period in time when I could look up to the Father and trust Him to direct my way. But now, all I see is a blur when I seek guidance. All I can hear is noise when I ask for help. All I can feel is fierce winds beating against my body when I take one and then another step. See when I place myself in these situations, I don't understand. I seek to find. And ask to understand and challenge to grow and knock to be answered and speak to be heard and reason to make sense and walk after righteousness to live again ... be a friend to have friends. Friends. Friends ... yeah friends. Or how about friends. Who has friends? We all have friends, right? Friends who we can go to for advice or to listen or to ask questions to or to cry with and share memories with and talk to into the wee hours of the night just because their company is peaceful. But what do I do when I feel like everyone around me is moving ahead and I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because of unfortunate circumstances? What do I do when it feels like I've been deserted and hurt by the ones who I thought I could trust? What do I do when it feels like the world is weighing heavy on my shoulders? Some say to tie a knot at the end of my rope and hold on to what little I can. But then I turn and see fathers molesting daughters and sons being raped by their uncles they thought they could trust. Then we are forced to put our faith in a failing education system that doesn't give a damn about if we make it or not. And then we look to the church for guidance only to discover that in some instances it's just a social club or a body of believers who are so judgmental that walking through the left door is sinful. God forbid that we continue judging one another and placing ourselves higher or looking or nose down on one another. Reach back and help her get up. Yeah, you may have warned her that he was no good. So what she found herself in a domestic violence situation or strung out on drugs. Help her get some help. Yeah, maybe he is saggin his pants. But have you stopped to mentor or encourage or find out the root of why he's crying out for attention. Some people make me so sick with the hypocrisy and the folly. I'm ill to my stomach because of the republicans and their obvious racist attacks against a president who believes in one fucking nation under buddah or mohhamad or allah or confucious or god. Believe in whoever the hell you want to believe in. Go to mass. Go to the kingdom hall. Go to the synagogue. Go to the temple. Go to church. Be independent. Do you. I'm so sick and tired of you telling me that I'm wrong because I'm doubtful or worry. Or that I'm abnormal because I believe on sundays when the sermon feels good and then have a hard time trusting on Tuesday through Friday. See mondays and saturdays are okay because I either just came down from a high or anticipating another high. Church has been minimized to a big pep rally, money sucking, pastor pimping organization. Maybe I'm hurt or just simply don't care anymore. Care anymore. Care anymore. Yep. That's how it feels when the little three-year old girl is walking the street barefoot because her mother is strung out on dope - with the needle still sitting in her vein - trying to find food ... can you see her with the strap of the sandle in her mouth - hopeless. We turn and walk away and get out big mansion on the other side of town - afraid to confront the real issues in our backyard. Our masters or doctorate or law degrees start to define us. We forget that we are all like sheep. Or does that verse still exist? The four year old rocking himself to sleep because he witness three and four men walking in and out of the house because the mom gotta do what she gotta do to make a living. And then he goes to school - sleeping in class and then eventually becomes a problem because he's gotten to the sixth grade and can't read. Instead of the school identifying his problem in kindergarten, then label him as "special ed" by the eighth grade. Too embarrassed by his label, he resorts to skipping school and selling drugs because he fits in ... initiated into a gang because he's finally accepted. It's too late now because he has true family, or so he thinks, that loves him. Shit, he just broke into your house the other day. And just last week, he robbed the grocery store and held one of the cashier workers at gun point. His picture is now blasted all across the news because we didn't catch him when he was 4. Standing in front of the judge, she reads off all the charges and no room for rehabilitation because you know what the systems do to those who they are afraid to give help to. Damn, just how fucked up is our judicial system and our penal codes and our governmental agencies. Give me my food stamp card. I want my health care card. Give me WIC ... wait, those are the entitlement programs that the wealthy are seeking to dissolve. Somebody gotta help me. I don't want to work. I just wanna sit at home until the employment benefits run out and then rely on uncle sam to foot the bill. I need the section 8 and then HUD housing. Man, someday our society will wake up and stare the problems in the face. I'm going to get me something to eat.
#imjustsaying

Response: Listening to America's Youth

Dear Ken,

Before calling it a night, I just wanted to share with you what I wrote in response to an article posted on The Kitchen Table's blog. The article, entitled Listening to America's Youth, was about the perception of younger, church attendees, and how African-American history should be discussed more in the church. Here is my take:

Church, in all due respect, has become a social playground. I often engage in meaningful conversations with my friends about this issue. Young people are turned off by cliques and associations that have been established in the church. Where the church once was a beacon of hope for the downtrodden and a lightening rod of restoration for those who hurt -- has turned into preachers pimping the congregants and promising miracles and blessings for sacrificial seeds. This insults the intelligence of the young (and old), critical thinkers, who view the Higher One as more than a glorified sugar daddy.

While the church might not be perfect, you are correct in pointing out the significance of tradition and history. Whereas tradition calls for devotion, the new church accepts a praise team for praise and worship. Whereas the former church clings to legalistic principles such as women not preaching, unable to wear pants, not sitting in the pulpit or wearing makeup - the new age church is accepting of women rights to have participatory roles.

History is definitely important. Also, embracing change and the creativity of each church reaching the Higher One in their own way should be equally understood.

Father's Day

Dear Ken,

Father's day is quickly approaching. Actually, it's tomorrrow. I can remember like yesterday when my father divorced us when I was in the second grade. That was roughly 17 years ago ... 7 years old, at the time. We had just moved. At the time, from my 7-year old lenses, it appeared that there were no major rough points in my parent’s marriage. Nonetheless, the ugliness of adultery robbed me of several years of his presence. Growing up for a good portion of the time in a single parent household was extremely difficult.

Reflecting on what one of my friend likes to refer to as “Baby’s Daddy Day,” I am compelled to recall the most fondest memories I have shared with my pops. Travelling down memory lane, some of the days have been amazing, while others have not always been the best. While my adolescent years were the most fragile and sensitive time, to date. I longed to spend time with him -- having conversations of reassurance. Those were some tough days. Because of his absence, I resorted to extreme defense mechanisms to cope with life … hard!

Lately, we have been in the process of repairing our relationship. It has not been the easiest thing, by far, but I am amazed at the continued progress. This task has required a lot of patience, from both parties. I look forward to spending the day appreciating him for being there, when he could, and for the love and support that he shows.

To all the fathers out there – Happy Father’s Day!

Morning Ramblings

When I should be in the bed, I'm up at 2:05 in the a-m blogging. Unable to sleep, I resort to the next best thing - the internet! Today was a great day. No major complaints. I was able to achieve everything that was scheduled on the "to-do list". Looking back, time went by way too fast.

Preparing for the days ahead, it seems like there is so much to do and so little time to get things done. My life now consists of studying for the LSAT, reading blogs, working, a little partying (okay - a little more than a little), tweeting, and working some more. I haven't even really had a telephone conversation with some of my good friends in a long time. My mom was complaining that I rarely come to visit and how a 5 minute drive-by would be incredibly special. Guess this weekend I'll stop over.

This dieting and working out thing is going great. I'm feeling 120% better as a result of going to the gym, doing cardio, weight lifting and some of the free classes. Changing the way I eat has been a challenge. I can't even dispute that sometimes I get so tempted to stop by a fast food restaurant and chow down. However, instead of forgoing the fast food altogether, I've place strict limitations on what I can eat and how often (maybe once every 2 weeks).

I'm starting to get sleepy, but I wouldn't dare close without mentioning that I'm getting ready to start back going out on dates. After almost 2 years of living the bachelor life, I think I'm a little more mature for the whole couple lifestyle. I've ran across some really interesting folks and some real problematic ones as well. Guess the weeding and sorting is about to begin. Oh, what are you all's thoughts of long-distance dating? Does it work? How far is too far? How often should those in the relationship commit to seeing each other? Just thinking...

Not proofreading. Good night/morning.

Struggle

This one vice is getting the best of me. Often times, I think, "if I didn't struggle in this area, I would be ok." This truly keeps my face to the ground. Not out of embarrassment but in hopes of establishing some sort of plan to do better. I look at the situation day in and day out and nothing seems to improve. I might go a week without thinking of engaging, but sometimes, the weight of doing overshadows the times without.

Removing the mask and confronting this issue head on has been quite difficult. I've tried fasting in hopes of gaining some sort of discipline ... much failure! And then, professional help, ie counseling didn't help either. So I look at this and ask, "what do I do next?" Should I reevaluate the situation and continue to make excuses or microscopically examine the root cause? Well, at least, that's what the highly recommended counselor suggested. And after I've gotten to the bottom of the condition, then what?

Is is that I'm seeking one thing and forgetting the other? Or do I already have what I'm seeking and lack the self-control? Whatever the case might be, all I know is that I stand by what I wrote earlier: "This one vice is getting the best of me".

What are your struggles?

If/then

So I'm sitting here studying for the LSAT. I came across the "Formal Logic in Logical Reasoning" section. This is generally referred to as the conditional or if/then statements. So the example is:

If a person lives in the US, then that person must be living in North America.

From the statement, one would conclude: a person who lives in the US lives in North America, but not necessarily the opposite.

Reading further into the explanation, there's one sentence that caught my attention: "So, although you can be sure that the condition depends upon the result, you can never assume that the result requires the condition to occur."

Ok - so what am I getting at?

Nothing really. I just wanted to find a way to throw out my favorite scripture - Isaiah 59:1 (Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear). With this written, if the Lord's hands are not too short and if His ears are not too heavy, then I can rest assure that He will save and hear me!

#imjustsaying