Father's Day

Dear Ken,

Father's day is quickly approaching. Actually, it's tomorrrow. I can remember like yesterday when my father divorced us when I was in the second grade. That was roughly 17 years ago ... 7 years old, at the time. We had just moved. At the time, from my 7-year old lenses, it appeared that there were no major rough points in my parent’s marriage. Nonetheless, the ugliness of adultery robbed me of several years of his presence. Growing up for a good portion of the time in a single parent household was extremely difficult.

Reflecting on what one of my friend likes to refer to as “Baby’s Daddy Day,” I am compelled to recall the most fondest memories I have shared with my pops. Travelling down memory lane, some of the days have been amazing, while others have not always been the best. While my adolescent years were the most fragile and sensitive time, to date. I longed to spend time with him -- having conversations of reassurance. Those were some tough days. Because of his absence, I resorted to extreme defense mechanisms to cope with life … hard!

Lately, we have been in the process of repairing our relationship. It has not been the easiest thing, by far, but I am amazed at the continued progress. This task has required a lot of patience, from both parties. I look forward to spending the day appreciating him for being there, when he could, and for the love and support that he shows.

To all the fathers out there – Happy Father’s Day!

Blended Families

Second grade was a life-changing time for me. I recall my mom and dad uprooting and relocating for my father's job. During this crucial time, being in an unfamiliar city, my father consciously decided to step outside of the marriage. He eventually divorced us and left. At the age of only 7 or 8 -- the realities of my father not being present was simply bewildering. The emptiness devastated me.

Just recently, I tried to count this whole ordeal as complete; however, the memories simply won't fade. Not wishing to place blame or fault on anyone, I occasionally replay the "what if's..." and wonder how different my life would be had he continued in his capacity of being the absolute father figure.

My mom is a true catalyst of having a robust spirit and being able to endure the hard pressures of life. Because of her immense attitude of refusing to succumb to the tragedy of being alone and single, she began dating again. Being immature and a selfish child, I wanted her all to myself. Her now-husband, who I grudgedly call my step father, only complicated the situation. He was an anomaly to our family being able to successfully move forward after the divorce. I still cringe at the very thought of the day he moved in with us.

An article titled, "The Role of Being a Step Dad" mentions that step dads often have a hard time adjusting to the natural love that a hereditary father might have for his child. One could expect there to be difficulties and jealousies after being blindsided and forced to allow someone else into the family picture. The article mentions that “a new step dad may have the willingness and be putting forth the effort to grow into this relationship with the kids, but the kids may have trouble adapting to this and need their own time to adjust to it” (Velez, 1999).

A friend and I who share similar experiences were discussing our views of a blended family. Does it work? We concluded that the blended family could work. However, the new person has to be introduced in a very cautious manner and cannot be viewed as someone who is intruding or attempting to replace the father. This could have a long-term detrimental effect on the future of the step dad and the child’s relationship. Speaking first hand, accepting my step dad has been one of my greatest struggles – even after 15 years.